Karma

After our scare on Monday Jason and I powered through Tuesday and Wednesday on adrenaline. We were super parents and super farmers and were on a mission to get things done. Of course the adrenaline eventually bails on you and then comes the crash. We both started crashing late Wednesday afternoon. By Thursday morning the crash was complete. Jason even bailed on me Thursday morning.  I wasn't nice about this at all as I stomped out the door. So much for southern charm and graciousness. Sorry mom, I can't say I did you proud Thursday morning. 

Thus on Thursday I had a day long combo of self admiration along with a pity party. As I worked my way through morning chores I constantly told myself how tough I was, how amazing I was too be out there working given how tired I was and how sick I felt. At least that was what I heard from myself when I was able to drown out the other voice telling me how bad I felt and how tired I was. Of course it was one of those days where the big boys were way off in the back of their huge pasture ignoring me, the dysfunctionals were dysfunctioning at an all time high, and in general none of the horses gave me a break.

As the day progressed I really ramped up the self drama and the pity party. I stopped telling myself how awesome I was, it took too much energy. I even stopped telling myself how bad I felt, that also took too much energy. As I honed my dramatic acting skills I told myself over and over "self, you can't sit down, you can't stop. If you sit down you will never get back up. If you stop you will never start again." My self talk repeated itself on a loop for hours, don't sit down, don't stop, don't sit down, don't stop. When the day was finally done and I had actually managed to do all of the things that Jason and I had planned to do together I mustered the energy to tell myself how great I was again. I managed to stagger into the bathroom and I sat in the tub for a very long time. I kept adding hot water until it was up to my chin. 

And then I bailed on Jason on Friday, although I had the courtesy to give him advance notice on Thursday evening as I was collapsed in the bathtub.  You know what they say about karma.

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